Building Comfort with a date

Comfort in this context is a state of being at ease in someone’s company. Comfort is essential to attraction; if someone feels no comfort with you then they won’t even want to have a prolonged conversation with you, let alone anything else. Establishing comfort ensures your attention is never unwanted. In some instances, a level of comfort may pre- exist , say from a prior acquaintance or by being around a lot of mutual friends. A lot of the time however it is necessary to build upon this or even create it from scratch. Comfort- building is almost always the best place to start as being overly aggressive or flirtatious with a complete stranger can result in a negative reaction, the clichéd “coming on too strong” or appearing weird, desperate or perhaps even threatening. Never skip building comfort unless you have a good reason to believe the other person is already trying to build comfort with you. One of the hardest issues people face is how to get an interaction started. The thought of approaching a complete stranger with romantic or sexual intentions can be scary, very scary. Guys are afraid of rejection and girls are scared of looking desperate or of stepping outside the cultural norm of men taking the lead. In fact this is one of the main reasons we consider relationships as happening purely through luck, because we can't imagine how they get started. The reason that common social settings are the usual place we meet potential partners is that the common setting pre- establishes comfort between for both parties. Establishing comfort is easiest when dealing with people within your own social circle. When possible, the best way to do this is often an introduction through a mutual friend. We are naturally inclined to view our friends’ friends in a positive light, the friendship almost rubs off and we immediately feel more at ease with these people than we would without the introduction.


Without the advantage of a mutual introduction thing s start to get a little trickier, but there are still a great many things you can do. The next easiest is to look for people who already want to talk to you, and you’d be surprised at how many there are. Anyone who takes notice of you, looks at you a moment longer than usual or who smiles at you is essentially offering an open invitation to talk – they want to build comfort with you. All you need do is just smile, approach and begin the conversation. With a stranger who isn’t showing you any immediate sign s of attraction – who isn’t already trying to build comfort with you, you will need to approach them and break the ice yourself. What you want to accomplish in doing this is to improve their situation somehow with your presence, to add value to them . Supposing they’re struggling with a map and clearly in need of directions, this is a great opportunity to help out, but we often don’t have such a fortunate situation. Still, being a fun and interesting encounter for them is more than enough to add value. A casual comment or genuine compliment about something they’re doing is often a good approach. For example, if you were to see someone you liked walking in the opposite direction down the street you could say, “Hey I’m sorry to bother you, but if I didn’t say hi to you I’d kick myself all day. It’s just that you rarely see someone in this city who actually has a friendly face, nice to meet you!” With the greeting out of the way you’ve engaged their interest and now you can take the conversation further. Always remember that you should be someone who enhances their day in some small way, demonstrating some kind of positive value to them . This doesn’t have to be daunting, adding value can be as simple as providing interesting conversation.


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