This blog post is based on the work of Dr. Ross Rosenberg. If you like it, you can look him up on YouTube. He is brilliant.
Have you ever wondered why you have great chemistry with certain people but with others you feel absolutely nothing even though you want to?
We met that lovely person who is stable, nice and has a great job (maybe even funny) but that invisible thing is just not there no matter how long we wait. Isn't it upsetting?
Why cannot we have great chemistry with the people we want? Why are we attracted to the crazy (emotionally unstable) ones?
It seems that we end a relationship with some crazy person just to enter into a relationship with the same type of person over and over again. It makes us wonder: What's the point of this?
The question is wrong. You should aks:
"Why I am attracted to these people?"
Based on the work of Dr. Ross Rosenberg, Dr. Sam Vaknin, Richard Grannon and many more psychologists and coaches, we can divide people into 2 groups:
- the givers
- the takers
We should imagine it on a spectrum, where 0 is optimum. Ross Rosenberg writes about it in his book, "The human magnet syndrome", where he says that on one side we have the codependents (who give) at "-5 to 0" and the takers at "+5 to 0" (+5 is the pathological narcissist).
The closer we are to 0 the better emotional state we are at. Between -2 and +2 we are at a healthy level.
These people explain how codependents and cluster B personality people attract each other and create a toxic relationship, where one person constantly gives while the other one takes. There are no boundaries and the relationship is doomed from the beginning while it also has great chemistry which creates this toxic addictive attraction.
A +2 will only feel this chemical attraction to a -2 person. Sounds spooky, right?
So, where this is coming from? What is love anyway? Where are these things coming from?
It sounds a cliche, but these are coming from our childhood trauma (unless you had a great childhood and you are on the healthy spectrum).
All emotionally (=mentally, subconsciously) unhealthy people are coming from a dysfunctional family. The archetype of the brain is done by age 3, and these people have massive insecurity and low self-esteem. Most of them (narcissists) try to cover it with a false mask showing grandiose self-esteem while they are deeply broken inside because either they did not receive love when they were young or one parent spoilt the child so nothing can ever be good enough for her/him.
Our brain gets conditioned (like the Pavlov theory) while we are young and if we had drama in our family, alcoholic parent or anyone dysfunctional, our brain got used to that and sees that as love. When we fall in love with someone and we feel "you are so familiar like we always knew each other, it feels so right", it is that familiarity with our childhood.
That's why we get bored in a normal relationship because that is drama free so the brain freaks out: "something is wrong".
What am I trying to say? Are you going to attract the crazy people in your life over and over again?
Yes and no.
If you start working on yourself and realize what is wrong with you and start changing yourself you will attract different people and you will find different people attractive.
We need to learn to establish boundaries if we are the givers and we need need to learn to have realistic expectations and learn to give if we are the takers.
The problem is that we seek happiness from the other person. That is wrong. We are supposed to be happy already and the other person should only make us happier.
All the stupid songs and movies where people are looking for someone who would complete them are wrong. You are supposed to be complete already. If you are broken you will attract and be attracted to broken people only, and even if you met someone healthy that person would not put up with you. That's the truth.
If you want to change the crazy cycle, you must change yourself.
Read books, watch YouTube videos to understand these things more, then see a coach, therapist or psychologist who is specialized in this field.
I have also deep knowledge and understanding in this field, especially if you are a giver as I am also on the giver side.
So, yes, you can change your life but first, you must change yourself so your subconscious brings you together with other types of people.
It requires tremendous work, so if you are not willing to do that not much will happen.
Feeling trapped? You are only trapped in your own old way of thinking that was programmed by your parents. It is time to reprogramme yourself and be happy!